Head/Heart Knowledge – a poem

Ever feel like everything flies too fast
And you’re still frozen, locked in the past?
People my age getting married, engaged, together, all over the shop –
It’s great yet sometimes I want it all to stop
Just for a decade or two, so I can catch up
And force my child-like self to hurry up.

I don’t know why but I still feel ashamed
To admit I now live with my parents
When I truly know it’s the best decision
I’ve ever made.

Peering at my laptop in my childhood bedroom
In the gathering dark,
Facebook reminds me that everyone else
Has long since moved out.

Daily cowed by the notion of
The next twenty years.

Yes, Jesus could come back and it will all be hunky dory,
But if he doesn’t:
I don’t know how I’ll handle my parents’ decline and deaths.
I don’t know where God will lead me next.
I don’t know what will occupy my days and nights.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to fight these fights.
I don’t know if I’ll have a home at all.
I don’t know if I’ll still be here or waiting for His resurrection call.
I don’t know if God will continue to keep crippling illnesses at bay,
Or let me suffer my life away.
I don’t know if I will have the same friends as now,
Or be left behind, living in loneliness, bitter and sour.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have a significant other,
And bring forth life into this brutal world as a mother.
I don’t know how life will unfold, or what’s in store.
I don’t know if there’ll be a third, or fourth world war.
Will these fearful thoughts of failure and rejection
still be my constant companions?

But in my head:
(though maybe not my heart. Yet)

I know that God is close to me.
I know He has my tears in a bottle
And knows how many thin strands remain on my head.
I know He is faithful – it’s true
His mercies new every morning.
I know He will be with me in the light and dark –
Despite the gloom He really is the bright spark.
I know He’ll let me down jugs of His living water
And will let me stay with Him, even when everyone pushes me away.
I know He hears me when I want to cry
And when I cannot form coherent phrases
He still wants to listen to me.
I know this Creator of the Universe,
This Being far above me,
Is my Heavenly Father – my everlasting Father.
He knows that I’m a failure, but in Him, I’m one who conquers
And I will get there in the end.
I know He doesn’t promise an easy, comfortable, cosy life.
I know He can’t shield me from this life’s pain and tragedy.
But I know He’s sovereign, ordaining – and with me through it all.

I know in my head,
But not my heart.

Lord, as I sit on my bed,
I am in two parts.

Please make my understanding whole and one?

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